Presenting Myself

About three months ago, I thought, “But maybe I will,” and decided to go for it. About two months ago, I began confidently saying, “I am a writer.” But, for the past couple weeks, I have hardly written at all. I have been increasingly conscious of how I am presenting myself – to readers, to editors, to the world.

Social media is not my thing. I am sure you have all picked up on that by now. I just want to write. I would rather not spend my time and energy on building and maintaining a social media presence. But, it is a necessity to support my writing aspirations. So, I have been seeking a balance that works for me, knowing very well I will never be as successful as those who master social media and also knowing, if I tried, I would quickly burn out.

That said, social media consumed much of my time the past couple weeks. I kept telling myself that if I could just get it sorted out, then it would be done and I could move on. Of course, that isn’t the case. It will never be done. I will always need to keep engaging. There is always something to improve. But, I needed to tell myself that if I could just set a good foundation, it would be on auto-pilot for a while.

There is so much to decide, so much to consider about how I am engaging and connecting with others, how I am presenting myself. I immediately began to over-analyze and question everything.

Should my Facebook page be titled after my blog or with my name? Should my posts be all about writing or should it be an eclectic mix of the different topics I cover when I write? Should I change the design of my blog? Am I damaging my image by not having a custom domain? I even began contemplating mailing lists!

There was much over-thinking, indecision, and polling of family and friends. I am grateful for the valuable feedback I was offered, but the opinions were split and, ultimately, these were decisions I had to make.

There were two realizations that allowed me to make some progress. First, nothing I decide now needs to be final. It is not a big deal if I change my mind and readjust in the future. Second, my reason for doing it all is to promote myself as a writer. I am not trying to promote my blog. My blogs are truly old school weblog style – I am posting an online journal of my thoughts, nothing more. They are an outlet but not my product.

With that in mind, I got many (non-writing) things accomplished:

• I redesigned the layout of my blog. This started as a very basic, single page, blog but I now need it to serve as a portfolio of sorts, as well. To accommodate this, and keep it uncluttered, I removed the sidebar and created new pages: Bio, Published, and Works-in-Progress. I also added a contact form and even went ahead and added a mailing list form (though I am not yet going to be drafting any newsletters). Social media links were created for both the footer and the navbar and (I am quite proud of this) I enabled the navbar to float. I have picked up some basic HTML through the years, but I really had to dive into the code to get that to work.

• I improved my bio. My bio is a reader’s first glimpse of who I am and what else I have to offer. So, I spent some time attempting to craft a better bio in hopes of getting more readers to click through and connect with me further.

• I submitted a name change request for my Facebook page. This was one of the hardest decisions. I originally named it I May Never Write A Book but it seemed clear that I should be promoting myself as a writer and not this blog which is merely an outlet. I went through several ideas of how to use my name; Elizabeth Joyce {Writer} was what I settled on, only to find out it is not allowed. Also not allowed were: Elizabeth Joyce [Writer] and Elizabeth Joyce (Writer). I thought Elizabeth Joyce - Writer looked like a hyphenated surname and I never had a good feeling about Elizabeth Joyce, Writer. So, I ended up with Writer Elizabeth Joyce, which was one of my first favs but had been eliminated.

• I created a Facebook group. This was not something I was expecting to do. One of the things I liked about having my Facebook page called I May Never Write A Book was that I hoped it would appeal to fellow writers who would follow along and, hopefully, find some encouragement and enjoy the commiseration. I didn’t want to give that up, but gearing my page towards fellow writers served to limit interest from non-writers, readers who just happened to click through to my page. One morning, it came to me – I should have a group for writers connected to my page. With that, it all fell into place and I felt like I was making the right decision to change the Facebook page name. (Wish me luck with admining a group, though!)

All of this will continue to evolve as I continue on this adventure; I am still barely launched. You’ll notice I have not addressed all the nagging questions yet, either. But I am glad to feel like the foundation is set. I can move on, at least for a while, and focus again on writing.

Medium

Last week, as I was scrolling through my feed, I took notice of an article saying Medium is the best place for writers. That obviously peaked my interest. I clicked through, read the piece, and was convinced that I should look into Medium for myself. I must say, I like what I found.

Medium is a self-publishing platform that supports a wide variety of topics. Much like I wrote about the TODAY Parenting Team, using self-publishing platforms is like writing a piece for my own blog without needing to maintain a blog in the niche. But, unlike other platforms, Medium does not have ads – something I truly appreciate.

From what I have gathered, the site is trying to create a space where readers can read without the clutter and distraction of ads, as well as a place where writers can write focused on content and not for the sake of trying to cram in as many keywords as possible to drive up ad revenues. Instead, Medium is now funded by $5/month membership fees. Non-members have access to up to three articles a month and are even allowed to create a profile and publish their own work – all completely free of charge. Anyone can become a member, but I suspect the majority of the members are writers themselves. Members have access to unlimited articles, as well as some other special features, but what I find as the most compelling benefit of becoming a member of Medium is that it supports fellow writers.

Self-publishing on Medium is like offering up my writings for peer review. If enough members read my piece and "clap" for it, I can actually get paid. While other platforms have ads and keep all the revenue for themselves, Medium is saying, no ads and we'll even offer a portion of our membership fees to support our writers. I. Love. This.

The idea of giving my work away for free has never sat well with me. I understand the need for websites to cover their costs, but it does not feel right for them to profit without any compensation to those generating the content. Offer me something for my efforts and my intellectual property. Offer me a flat rate. Offer me a tiered pay scale based on performance. Offer me the opportunity to be rewarded only if my piece does well. Offer me anything that shows my work is valued and I, as a writer, am respected.

I love the writers-supporting-writers concept. It is still fairly new; Medium has been around since 2012 but it only started rolling out this system last year. It is evolving and has already been through some changes. I am intrigued by their model and I'm looking forward to seeing what becomes of it.

I decided to dip my toe into Medium's waters by syndicating a personal essay I originally wrote for this blog. I am still new to all of this and learning as I go, but this platform seems promising.

Writer and Author

I know the title of this blog is, I May Never Write A Book, but that is exactly what I am currently trying to do.

When I first started this blog, it was for the sake of one post titled, I May Never Write A Book, in which I shared how I had always envisioned myself writing books but that I had no desire to attempt it and, instead, had stumbled upon the chance to have an article published on Scary Mommy. That was nearly 2 years ago.

I took a long hiatus but came back to writing at the beginning of this year, thinking But Maybe I Will write a book.

And, actually, I did write a book. My very first book was not one I had been intending to write. A line came to me out-of-the-blue and I felt the need to see it through. I crafted what turned out to be a poem that, as I read it, I very clearly envisioned as a beautifully illustrated picture book. And so, I forged my way through the process of editing, gathering feedback from beta readers, revising, formatting, researching publishers, and then, I sent off my very first manuscript for consideration and began Waiting For Rejection.

Before that line came to me and ignited the fascinating process by which this poem, this story, this picture book, took shape, I had been tossing around a few other ideas that stemmed from my family history research. None were picture books nor poetry – all were either historical fiction or non-fiction chapter books or short story collections.

I continued to toss around those other book ideas in my mind until it became clear which story I had the most desire to tell. I then began my first attempt at writing a non-fiction family history memoir. I am currently working on the first draft and expect this to be a very long process of writing and researching – my husband thinks three years is a reasonable estimate.

Three years sounds daunting. Perhaps I May Never Write A Book should now be I May Never Write *This* Book. I am determined to see this book through to completion, though, however long it takes.

Edit October 2018: I have decided to pursue a novel idea, putting the family history memoir on hiatus. I am determined to finish both of these books, however long it takes.

In the meantime, I find it satisfying to work on shorter pieces that have a quicker turn-around. I continue to send queries as a freelance writer and to write personal essays and blog posts which I self-publish on various platforms. I even have another picture book story in mind, now.

I will keep I May Never Write A Book as my blog title to remind me of how far I've come. And I hope it will encourage fellow writers to continue on their own writing journeys as they follow along with me on mine.

Writing With Anxiety

The other night, my mind replayed a scene in which, during the flow of conversation, I said something that lacked compassion to a friend. There was no rebuttal; the conversation continued without pause, but that friend surely thinks I am a terrible person and secretly resents me. I have played the scene over in my head countless times since it happened – 21 years ago.

Anxiety causes me to helplessly relive moments – from days ago or decades ago – seeing only the worst of myself. It also causes me to overthink and overanalyze everything as I am doing it. My thoughts race. I don’t want to create another situation for my mind to add to that relentless reel. Sometimes being in the moment, saying or doing anything is absolutely overwhelming.

I am certain this is why I have always preferred writing over conversations. When I write, I can take my time. I can sort through my thoughts. I can edit.

Still, deciding to pursue my dream of being a writer, of making my writings public, means pushing myself well beyond the borders of my comfort zone. It means forcing myself to stay out there, exposed and vulnerable. Unlike a conversation between two friends, 21 years ago, the published written word stays accessible to everyone, indefinitely. That thought can paralyze me.

As a writer, I want – and need – to be authentic. All writers have access to the same words, the only thing that makes me unique as a writer is my voice. My experiences, my perspective, the soul of me – that is what gives the words true meaning.

However, offering myself up in words to the masses is more of a challenge than I imagined.

Every sentence I write, my mind is flooded with all the possibilities of how people will respond. It can take me hours to string together a mere 500 words. I often avoid the topics about which I am most passionate. I have written complete essays that I cannot bring myself to publish; I feel too vulnerable and the anxiety is more than I can overcome.

When I do find the courage to submit a piece for publication, I brace myself for rejection, barely daring to risk a daydream in which I am successful. I recite my query letter over and over until I have convinced myself that every word of it was wrong and I have made the worst possible impression. With each post I make on social media, I question if prospective editors or publishers will see it and base their decision off my social media presence – or lack thereof, which keeps me attempting to craft posts even though it would be easier to avoid social media altogether. Typos, grammatical errors, and mistakes can trigger panic.

Every finished work I do publish incites an onslaught of anxiety’s manifestations. I have put myself out there and there is no turning back. The comments, the reviews, the judgment – I am politely inviting the public to grant my worst nightmare so that I can live my dream.

That’s it, right there. Writing with anxiety is politely inviting the public to grant my worst nightmare so that I can live my dream. I will continue to make that sadistic request because I do want to be a writer despite the anxiety. I realize that anxiety shines a spotlight on everything negative, leaving all things positive in the dark. The truth is, the positives are far more numerous than the negatives – if only I can allow my mind to count them.

Ready To Take On Another Day

Yesterday was reaffirming – like a breath of fresh air just when I was beginning to choke on the stale, heavy atmosphere of self-doubt.

I was getting discouraged. I felt like I was doing the whole social-media-as-a-writer thing wrong. I was stuck on editing a small, personal piece and my anxieties about sharing so much of myself through my writings were inflamed. I was questioning everything about my book and doubting my ability to tell the story. I began to fear I had made a mistake by so publicly declaring my intentions to be a writer – I would end up looking like a failure and fraud.

But then, the #amwriting community was spreading encouragement to fellow writers. A friend helped me work through my editing. My husband patiently listened as I vented about my book writing woes. My family history mentor messaged me with an amazing discovery that directly impacts my book (if I ever do finish writing it, she gets a shoutout in the acknowledgments, for sure)! And, then, I noticed that TODAY Parents had shared my piece from their “Romance After Kids“ challenge!

I ended the day feeling invigorated and ready to take on another day as a writer.

I can do this.